Romulus and Remus stop dancing hurriedly, wipe sweat from their brows, and shoo the audience out of the way of the playing space wherever they’ve filled in.

Hersilia!

What are you doing here?

What am I doing? What are you doing? Aren’t we supposed to be traveling to the promised land or something!? This is a trash bin!

It’s a theater.

It’s a trash bin.

Oh-kay!

We’re working  on it.

Hey, where’s your husband?

You tell me.

What does that mean?

It means I don’t know where he is. Have you seen him?

We figured he was with you.

Isn’t that just like a man. Runs off to war and then runs off with whores.

Well, I’m sure it’s not like that.

Oh no? Please, tell me more about my husband’s character. I know the role of ‘wife’ pales in comparison to the role of general. I know him only as a husband, while you know him as a soldier.

Very good point.

Yes! What can I know of a man I have seen only in his most vulnerable and private moments? How could I possibly attest to the character of a person with whom I share my bed, my body, my hearth and table? A man I have watched eat, for twelve years! Twelve years spent staring across the table at him dismantling potatoes between those big fucking chompers, as he tries to talk and eat at the same time, like an enormous baby with hard opinions about the deteriorating state of Thebes. I have only seen him cry over our third miscarriage, only seen him strike a wall in shame after his first infidelity, only seen him pray to the gods and humble himself before the vast incomprehensibility of space and time. Fuck, I’m begging you, illuminate Hostus Hostilius for me, because I do not know him.

Well-

What?

It sounds a little like you’re being sarcastic?

Sarcasm is another thing I do not understand. Tell me of Hostus.

What about him?

Where is he?! My lord, do you not possess like, object permanence, but for conversation?

Probably he just needed some alone time after the battle. It was a pretty wild day.

I got separated from my lieutenant when we stormed the palace -- didn’t see him again till halfway through the victory banquet. Turns out, he got knocked out in the kitchen larder and when he came to, he didn’t know if the battle was still going on! He burst into the banquet hall, brandishing his sword, and yelling, “Ah! Ah! Where is Amulius! Where is Amulius! What time is it!?”

(laughing)

Fuck, that’s right.

And still, no Hostus.

We don’t know! We left Alba Longa yesterday afternoon and he wasn’t with us then, and then we got separated from the army in the night, so if he’s rejoined the company, we’d have no way of knowing.

Speaking of which, how on earth did you get so lost? The sun sets and you decide to, what, just wander off?

Wandering is in our nature. We’re used to wandering.

Yeah, “Not all who wander are lost.”

Who said that?

The point is we’re not lost. We’re exactly where we’re supposed to be. Look! Look around? You see the hills?

I see the hills.

How many?

What?

How many hills are there?

Six.

(infuriated)

NO!

Geez.

Seven! There are seven hills!

We just went over this as well.

There are at least six.

What is wrong with you both?!?

She’s right, there are at least six.

BECAUSE THERE ARE SEVEN. THEY HAVE NAMES.